


I'm So Proud Of You

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introverted, M/M, reassured finn, sad finn, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6852970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Before us,” Finn breathed. “Before they kidnapped children. There was a clone army.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm So Proud Of You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so i saw a post that Hux is currently outnumbering Finn in fics. So the goal now is to put out 15 (Lmao) fics this month to give Finn a lil boost.

      It was dark here. Dark and cold, but most importantly it was quiet. Finn sat uncomfortably on a wooden crate. The edges stabbing the inside of his thighs.

 

      Silence was not as common on the resistance base as it was on the finalizer. All too often Finn found himself filled to the brim with nerves as the chatter of all his colleagues just continued. No where on base could Finn find a place where the noise was gone. It was like a constant buzz playing anywhere at anytime. Even in the midnight hours, cleaning and maintenance would laugh and chatter about the most mundane topics. 

 

     He only recently found his sanctuary. After looking for a supply that was need by a medic, Finn found the storage room. It was for the overstock, so it was barely in use. What started as the occasional resting spot became a daily stop in his routine. 

 

     And now he sits. In silence, his mind racing.

 

     Today was a particularly difficult day, Rey had returned to base three weeks ago with Skywalker in tow. Of course Finn was overjoyed with the return of his first and closest friend. As soon as she returned every waking moment that wasn’t spent training with the Jedi, she spent with Finn. That is until she didn’t.

 

      Rey was a lovely girl. Finn knew this, she is intimidating at the start but when you peel back the protective coating. She is as bright as sunshine and as joyous as the new day. Many of the resistance troops have found her a delight, so unsurprisingly Rey had made a friend in almost every area of the base. She even ran to hug some of the sanitation crew on site. After a lifetime of living without a family, she had quickly deemed the entire base as hers.  Taking to the affection in strides.

 

      Finn was not as fortunate. He had Rey and Poe, maybe the General on some small level. Poe had pressed that he get to know his squad, inviting Finn a seat at their table for every meal. Finn enjoyed the other pilots company, aside from the fact that every time he sat next to Poe it seemed to open a inside joke, full of snickers and jabs to Poe. Aside from that small group Finn had very few other acquaintances. After a lifetime of being conditioned to keep your head down and don’t speak it’s difficult to try and break through.

 

       Finn would never say he was jealous of Rey, but it hurt. That was obvious. It hurt every time it was more than just him enjoying her tale. It hurt when she would leave to spend time with the other soldiers that she had made plans with.

 

“They said that they have a piloting sim with at least fifty different scenarios, Finn!!” She spoke so fast in all her excitement. “The sim I put together on Jakku had five! I gotta try it! You wanna come?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll pass. If I Have to hear not only you but ten others talk about different model,s I may just fall asleep.” Finn smiled. He wanted to tell her that she should stay. He wanted to let himself whine how he hasn’t seen her in hours and how he was planning to take her to the greenhouse on base to show her all the green plants. “Go have fun Rey. I’ll be here.”

 

     She pouted as she left and Finn had to push her out of the door to send her on her way. With a sigh he closed the door. He took a breath as he turned and exited the room making his way to the storage room. 

 

~*~*~

 

      Poe had been searching the entire base, for the better part of the last three hours, yet Finn had seemed to disappear entirely. Poe tried to shake of the feeling of concern when Finn didn’t show up for breakfast in the mess, but he also missed lunch too. It just wasn’t like him.

 

      Poe knew better than to worry but it seemed so easy to let his mind slip into the infinite scenarios that Finn would have gotten into. He thought of the mechanic that spoke in a hushed tone about his displeasure to be working on the same base as the enemy, and how upset Finn had been after speaking to one of the strategist.  The speed in his steps increased as each new vision came to mind.

 

       He finally found Finn in a storage room. It was dark and cramped, it smelled of moisture and dust. He sat, holding his head above his knees. Poe stood at the entrance, wary of how to approach his friend.

 

“Finn?” Poe spoke quietly. 

 

      Finn jolted up in surprise. His eyes wide as he tried to figure out who was the body at the door. 

 

“Poe?” Finn questioned.

 

“Yeah, it’s a little hard to see in this pitch black room.” He scrambled against the wall searching for the switch. When his fingers made contact he flipped it on. The room filled with light. Finn flinched as he covered his eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness. “You okay, buddy?”

 

      Finn stood quiet. There was an unfamiliar tenseness that sat on his shoulders. 

 

“You know I’ve been actually been meaning to talk to you,” Poe continued as he made his way to Finn. Poe had been meaning to talk to Finn for months. His mind screamed at him that this was not the proper time for the conversation he’s been waiting for. His body didn't seem to comply at all, as he sat beside the other man. Suddenly aware of every breath, how his heart seemed to speed up, and how his palms felt clammy and disgusting. 

 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while actually.” He continued. Finn raised his head, he looked confused. 

 

“Did something happen?” Finn’s concern was radiating off him. 

 

      Poe cursed to himself.It wasn’t suppose to be like this. It was supposed to be heartfelt and romantic. He should stop now. Stop before he says, or does, something stupid.

 

“I- I love you.” Poe closed his eyes. He wanted to scream. Not like this but the words seem to fall off his lips without his control. He shut his eyes, preparing for the worst. “I’ve loved you since we were reunited on the tarmac.” He laughed, “You showed up wearing my jacket and with bb8, after completing my mission. You were damn dream come true.” 

 

      He felt Finn tense next to him, he powered through to his own dismay. 

 

“I’ve loved you since you opened your eyes in the medbay and I loved you every moment since and in between. I can’t stop thinking about you and I worry about you constantly. Every time you smile my heart races and I-I,”  His heart is frantic he wants more than anything to walk out and pretend this never happens because he can feel Finn's’ presence pull away.

 

“And I’m scared you don’t feel the same. And this is me putting myself out there scanning the horizon planning a safe course to see if I crash and burn or land safely.” 

 

      The room is silent and Poe still has his eyes shut. So much time has passed he worries that Finn may have left him in the storage room alone. He glances to his side to find Finn in the same position that he was in when Poe entered the room.

 

      It’s difficult for him not to become upset. He had just opened up and exposed his heart to him and Finn gave no reaction. As soon as the thought entered his mind it left just as quick. There had to be a reason for his silence.

 

“Finn? Buddy?” 

~*~*~

 

       Finn was unable to move. Poe had just declared his love to him and Finn was unable to move. The past minute just sent him into overdrive. Of course Poe loved him. How did he miss this too. The jacket, the offering of friends, the lingering touches, the inside joke. He was the inside joke. A joke. There burning of tears forming in the corner of his eyes. What a fucking joke. Can’t make friends and unable to tell when a person was in love with him. What else? 

 

“Buddy talk to me please.” Poe spoke quietly. “Do you want me to leave? I can leave.” 

 

       Poe shifted to pick himself up, but Finn placed a hand on his thigh. Poe returned to his seat. 

 

“Listen Poe.” Finn started. He could feel Poe tense under his hand. “ I care for you. I do, but I’m not-”  Frustration grew. How would you say that I’m a mess and barely a person. I have the social abilities of dirt. “I can’t do this. I know you want more but I’m trying to deal with something right now.”  

 

      Finn looked to the man. Poe seemed to curl into himself. Finn panicked. He turned Poe by his shoulder to look him eye to eye.

 

“Believe me though, It’s reciprocated completely, just later please.” Finn searched his face hoping he’d understand.

 

       Poe nodded, trying to hide his small smile.

  
“Later. Ok.” Poe sat up a little straighter. They stood in their place. Sitting and facing each other.

 

“Do you want to talk about that ‘something’?” Poe grabbed his hand, holding it in a warm embrace. “It could help, letting a new pair of ears in on it.”

 

        Finn couldn’t help but relax under his touch. He wondered where to even start.

 

“I’m just overwhelmed. For a multitude of reasons.” Finn squirmed. “I was just talking to Jax, the strategist yesterday and I-”

 

“Before us,” Finn breathed. “Before they kidnapped children. There was the imperial troopers, a clone army.”

 

        Poe heard of the clone army. It was a long time ago, before his parents time. They were an asset to the republic. Till the order 66, where they were programmed to deem every Jedi as an enemy.

 

“You already know how it turned out. But these men, before the sith, they were born and raised as soldiers.” Finn paused. “There were stories though. Of the few who escaped, deserted, they left found a life. Found a home and a family. Jax’s grandfather was a clone.”

 

“I don’t know how to say it but,” Just say it. “I’m afraid. I’m afraid i’ll never be able to actually break from my conditioning.” Poe looked to him. “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going to go on a rampage or anything.” Finn tried to joke.

 

      The worry didn’t leave Poe’s eyes. 

 

       It was difficult to put it all into words without worrying his friend. He was tired of waking up at 4:30 every morning looking through his drawers for his armor, before remembering where he was. Tired of trying reaching for his blaster at every loud bang in the middle of the night.

 

“It just,” He fumbled for words. “Isn’t great. Just the idea that these men, who were bred for battle, could drop everything and live out normal lives. While I-” 

 

        While he a human, born to live and love, is incapable of picking up the basic habits that to everyone seemed to just come naturally. 

 

“I feel human, but I don't feel like a person.”   

“Finn.” Poe started, not sure exactly what to say. So he pulled the younger man into his arms hugging him. 

 

“I mean I know it’s a mess of a situation, but I can’t help but think. Why am I not a person yet. Why can Rey pick up on all these social cues and to me it may as well be binary.”  he sighed.

 

“But you’re getting good at your binary.” Poe chuckled.

 

“This is good. Thank you for telling me.” He continued. “I don’t know exactly how to help but, If you’d like I can set you up with medical so we can figure out the best way to deal with this.”

 

       It’d be difficult but Finn knew it’d be for the best. 

 

“But you wanna know how I know you’re a person?” Poe smiled. “ Because you’re so full of doubt and hope, all the rest is filler. You are a person, and a great one at that.”

 

      The younger man sighed, content. 

 

“Thank you for listening.” Finn breathed into the pilot's shoulder.

 

“Anything for you.” Poe smiled, Pulling back as his nervousness returned.  “And if you don’t mind- I mean, If it’s okay with you. When the time is right.” The pilot stumbled through his words. “I’d like to court you while or after, we deal with this. If it’s too soon you can decline it. No harm.” 

 

      Finn pulled back. 

 

“Court?” He questioned. 

 

“Sorry, it’s old speak. If you would like i’d like to prove that I’m worth your time.” Poe smiled.

 

“Oh Poe,” Finn smiled. “You’re worth my time because I say you’re worth my time. You don’t need to prove anything.”  

 

         Poe couldn’t hide his smile this time, as they shuffled back to return to the noisy base. Where everything was a little bit brighter.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Let's talk about Finn, yeah?
> 
> Finn-is-a-jedi.tumblr.com


End file.
